Insomnia creepin’ up on me tonight, but at least my hair looks fantastic. XD
It’s 3:20 am and I am fully awake, or at least I have been for the past hour and a half. Insomnia, my old friend, has decided to visit, it seems. And I am feeling introspective.
I don’t know what I really want to say here, so I’ll just sort of ramble at you.
Spent the evening with some very good friends of mine, but somehow still felt the effusive neediness of depression upon my mind. A depression rooted in loneliness, I believe. In fact, it is a very deep and profound sense of loneliness. I think it has been with me all of my life, even in my childhood.
I have had a Sisyphean like struggle over this for as long as I can remember. Given that I am prone to having fears of abandonment, a sense that I have had a loss of self, and so on and so forth.
I do have good friends, you see. And they do make me feel less lonely, and bring me a goodly amount of joy. I am lucky that I live in a town where I have found so many precious people. I deeply appreciate them for this, they are awesome and amazing people. I am very fond of them, in fact. So, this song is for them: VNV Nation - Gratitude.) That’s all I really wanted to say, I guess.
It is now 4:11 am. Goodnight. I think…
For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
At first I was all like, “mrr mrr blah blah complains i am miserable” but now I am all like, “come to me my bb’s i must holds you and loves you if you wants it my preccccciioouussss”
My Adventure Pack
I own a Mountainsmith World Cup Backpack, and I have slowly over the months been tweaking it with new equipment, solely for the purpose of building my very own adventure pack. The idea was inspired by my near and dear friend, Bubbles, and the tv show Adventure Time. :D
side mesh pocket #1
- led flashlight
- rubber bands
(wrapped around the flashlight)
- leatherman blast multitool
(i used to be a bartender…)
- wine bottle opener
(… i find myself at a lot of parties)
- spare pocket knife
(optional: clips over right pocket)
- red bandana
side mesh pocket #2
- nalgene water bottle
small expansion pocket:
- first aid kit
(currently filled with rum)
- small moleskine journal w/ pen
- cellphone charger
- laptop & charger
(to be removed when better equipment arrives)
I keep these items in small ziploc baggies:
- waterproof matches & a lighter
- spare batteries
- spare chapstick
- green tea teabags
gear to eventually add:
- waterproof backpack cover
- hand sanitizer
- rope/bondage rope
- bear spray/pepper spray
- a whistle
(possibly to be a necklace type thing)
- stuff sack for food
- toilet paper
- a small shovel
- a map
- a compass
(i had the cancer, must protect precious~)
- something to purify water with
- sample lube packets XD
Overall, I think the list still needs a lot of tweaking. But it’s definitely made for adventuring like a champ. :D
“It is sometimes said that scientists are unromantic, that their passion to figure out robs the world of beauty and mystery. But is it not stirring to understand how the world actually works — that white light is made of colors, that color is the way we perceive the wavelengths of light, that transparent air reflects light, that in so doing it discriminates among the waves, and that the sky is blue for the same reason that the sunset is red? It does no harm to the romance of the sunset to know a little bit about it.”
- Carl Sagan
When a female-identified person screams and fights or says to stop, you fucking stop. This is the kind of mentality that feeds rape culture, and if you say I’m overacting - no. Just no.
You don’t gaslight people (“get her mad, then kiss her”). You respect their boundaries (stopping when they tell you to stop). You don’t manipulate them or ignore their boundaries or pretend you know what they want (“she’ll scream and fight with you, but secretly, she loves it”). You don’t do stupid shit that could get both of you killed (“hold her hand when you drive”). You don’t treat her like a goddamn china doll that can’t do anything for herself (‘protect her’). You don’t ignore someone’s feelings of anger or frustration by making it into a fucking romantic comedy or acting like their legitimate anger is ‘cute’ (“when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her”).
Jesus Christ, it’s shit like this that encourages men to ignore women’s boundaries and for women to think that sexual harassment is ‘romantic’. Fucking hell.
This shit is rape-culture-disguised-as-romance and it’s fucking disgusting.
If you pick me up and try to do *anything* with me, while ignoring me screaming and fighting, I am not responsible for your injuries, because when I decide you’re not going to listen to my “no” and put me down, I will turn it into a real fight out of self-defense, and I fight dirty.
Feel free to hold my hand while I’m driving, but be ready to let go when I need to shift, and for fuck’s sake keep your knee out of the way of 5th or don’t complain when I smack into it with the shifter.
Don’t tell me I look pretty just for the sake of telling me I look pretty - if you find me attractive, sure, tell me so, my ego likes to be stroked…but you’ll have better luck telling me I’m beautiful or sexy than pretty, because my aesthetic would not ever be described that way and calling me pretty is an easy way to tell me you’re working from a formula, not seeing me as an individual.
Protect me when I genuinely need it (ie, from myself when things get really bad) but don’t think you’re suddenly going to turn into some kind of white-knight-father-figure, because I won’t stand for it.
If you tickle me and don’t stop when I say stop, I am not responsible for your injuries. I kick hard, and I go for squishy bits. You’ve been warned.
If I’m swearing at you, there’s usually a reason, and attempting to stop me by saying you love me will just piss me off worse because it’s a blatantly transparent ploy that tells me you don’t respect my emotions or my anger.
If you kiss me while I’m mad at you, you will get bitten, and not in a sexy way.
This has been another episode of Women Are Actually Individuals With Varying Desires And Needs And Cannot Necessarily Be Wooed By Following A Trite Set Of Rom-Com Cliches, thanks for playing! Better luck next time!
here’s a list of what i’d like to do with you:
- go on walks while holding hands
- have cute little dates
- have movie nights
- take adorable pictures
- go new places
- try new things
- fall in love
- brutally fuck you
- look at the stars
- do everything i was ever scared to do alone.